Of Bars, Booze, and Bartending - Proving "Coughlin's Law" Invalid Since Feb '05

Friday, July 28, 2006

I Interrupt My Summer Hiatus To Bring You This Important Mojito Message.

Stop ordering them. Stop it, I say. Cease the ordering of Mojitos. Immediately.

I'm bored with muddling your mint (let alone keeping it on-hand). I'm over making batches of simple syrup and measuring brown sugar. I'm busy and I've got beer to open and wine to pour and sours to shake and highballs to mix; your third round of Mojitos just isn't something I can fit into my mixing schedule. It's time to 86 the Mojito.

Why? Well, because it's just not a good drink for as long as it takes to make. Who wants to drink sickeningly-sweetened mint-tinged rum while leaves accumulate on one's teeth? Is that supposed to be delightful, or something? Why do you keep ordering them? I mean, it's an OK drink for a Mint Julep rip-off, but at least those are (thankfully) a once-a-year concoction. Kentuckians are smarter than anyone gives them credit for.

The first Mojito you ever had was delicious when you sipped it in Cabo on vacation. You thought it was exotic and you liked it so much that you hipped all your friends to it. You went so far as to attempt to make one yourself. Heck, it was even fun the first few times you tried to order it stateside. But, you know what? It's not fun anymore, and you're not in Cuba, or Miami. I even bought into the trend, raving about my Italian Mojito, but I'm over it, and you really don't like it that much; just admit it to yourself and go back to your gin-and-tonnies.

Against the muddle, you say? "What a lazy barkeep," you're thinking. Oh, no, I reply. I'm all about a traditional, hearty muddle, same as the next gal. I'm pleased (not really) to muddle your sugar and bitters and fruit so you can suck down the best Old Fashioned you've ever had, before ordering another one. I don't enjoy it, but I can respect it... at least it's a drink that's been around through two World Wars. More importantly, that drink carries the name of "Old Fashioned," and you can't really argue with that, can you!? Next time there's a drinkie-trend, let's give it an old-school, inarguable name. Can we at least agree on that?

Thing is, you learned about Mojitos on your last Royal Carribbean Cruise, and that's not my fault, and I'm not going to make them for you anymore. And you can't make me, even though you can.

Ordering a Mojito in the summer of '06 is like ordering a Cosmo after "Sex And The City" hit reruns on basic cable. Stick with the classics... they're delicious, and you won't get mint leaves and lime pulp stuck on your teeth.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Well, That Was An Interesting Week

When last I wrote, I was high and giddy on pre-World Cup Final fever. So were billions of other people. June was a fantastic month, and the world felt united, and it was an amazing feeling, one that was reminiscent of the vibe of New Year's Eve 1999-2000. To be honest, I think that's why a record number of Americans got turned on to football/soccer. We wanted to feel good, too. We didn't even have a horse in the race when it got down to it, but people watched it, and talked about it. A lot. I really can't remember that ever happening in our country before, because countries typically reject sports they're not good at. Still, for a minute, I think we might have embraced soccer and had a little fun celebrating along with the rest of the world. Even though Forza Azzurri are the champions, Zidane's infamous headbutt made him a household name in one of the only countries that had never heard of him before, and it became the most important story in the world for days...

Since then, there have been horrific train bombings in India, the North Koreans stormed out of diplomacy talks, Iran said "eh" to the UN, oil barrels hit record highs and Israel and Lebanon thought it might be a good time to scrap again. I'm probably forgetting a few other "bad news" items.

All in one week. Six days ago, I was on top of the world. This week, I want to crawl into a bottle of gin and watch Hugh Grant movies.

Here's hoping it all gets better, and saner, quickly. Cheers... might be a good time to go visit a bar and hang out with your mates. You could use the fun, and we could use the business, believe me.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Summer Hiatus

As business slows, and as I ramp up for the beloved Bar Season (Labor Day through around Valentines Day), the stories become as few and far between as the customers. You may have noticed that I haven't posted so much, and it's because I have little material. Unless you're tending bar in a bikini on a porch with a volleyball court, ain't no bars or bartenders makin' serious money in July and August.

It's just not my time of year, and while I may be loaded at Thanksgiving, I always seem to spend my summers broke. It's such a seasonal business. On the bright side, it's the time of year for concerts, backyard barbeques, and flat, piss-warm church festival beer. I might even take a few days off. If I weren't so broke.

In other lazy days of summer news, I'm torn about the state of the Reds bullpen, but I'm absolutely tortured about Sunday's World Cup match. Being an American, and not being of French or Italian descent, and since both teams refer to themselves as "Blue," I suppose I should give a rip. But it's been a fantastic tournament, and I'm excited for Saturday's third-place match and Sunday's final.

I'm absolutely for Germany over Portugal, but as far as the final goes, there's nothin' left to do but hedge, with a slight edge to France, for calling themselves "bleu" while actually displaying "blue" in their flag... I have a hang-up when it comes to flags.

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Allez Les Bleus!

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Forza Azzurri!

It is my fervent wish that loads of bartenders worldwide make tons of money this World Cup Weekend, which is probably the best weekend in years for bar folk who work anywhere else but here. Cheers to the Bartenders of the World!

See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light and
See the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out
It was a beautiful day

Don't let it get away

- U2, "Beautiful Day"

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Saturday, July 01, 2006

C'mon England

I'm so nervous about England, I can't really talk about it. I actually become physically uncomfortable, and just a little bit bitchy. C'mon, lads!

On Edit: Well, that sucked. Why does England always choke on the PK's during World Cup matches? And that ref waited an eternity before red-carding Rooney. WTF? These are the kinds of things that make soccer so frustrating. At least I've still got Deutschland (und Frankreich! Look out for France, y'all) to root on.

On a brighter note, I did get a kick out of this article...

England Fans Drinking Gelsenkirchen Dry

And besides, England's still got the best WAGs. I'd give anything to be bartending for these cheeky, big-spending, Grey Goose-Red Bull chugging broads during World Cup. And, one of those wonderful things about World Cup is when you discover that the English don't call it "cotton candy." It's "candyfloss." Isn't that fun, in a dental sort of way?

For those watching World Cup, doesn't it seem like the intensity switched to eleven today? After the shock of a few days without matches (following a two-week match orgy), the return to gameplay was almost too much to take. The Germany-Argentina match was heartstopping today; Italy, not so much, because they dominated and looked damned impressive. Germany needs to work.

And, Cincinnati Reds, you rock my world. I had a great time with the bar crowd, while you were busy proving us wrong after writing you off early tonight, but I'd have given anything to have watched Adam Dunn's walk-off slam in person at the ballpark. Great crowd, and what a finish!

Welcome back to First Place, Reds, and thank you for the thrills.

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