Of Bars, Booze, and Bartending - Proving "Coughlin's Law" Invalid Since Feb '05

Friday, July 28, 2006

I Interrupt My Summer Hiatus To Bring You This Important Mojito Message.

Stop ordering them. Stop it, I say. Cease the ordering of Mojitos. Immediately.

I'm bored with muddling your mint (let alone keeping it on-hand). I'm over making batches of simple syrup and measuring brown sugar. I'm busy and I've got beer to open and wine to pour and sours to shake and highballs to mix; your third round of Mojitos just isn't something I can fit into my mixing schedule. It's time to 86 the Mojito.

Why? Well, because it's just not a good drink for as long as it takes to make. Who wants to drink sickeningly-sweetened mint-tinged rum while leaves accumulate on one's teeth? Is that supposed to be delightful, or something? Why do you keep ordering them? I mean, it's an OK drink for a Mint Julep rip-off, but at least those are (thankfully) a once-a-year concoction. Kentuckians are smarter than anyone gives them credit for.

The first Mojito you ever had was delicious when you sipped it in Cabo on vacation. You thought it was exotic and you liked it so much that you hipped all your friends to it. You went so far as to attempt to make one yourself. Heck, it was even fun the first few times you tried to order it stateside. But, you know what? It's not fun anymore, and you're not in Cuba, or Miami. I even bought into the trend, raving about my Italian Mojito, but I'm over it, and you really don't like it that much; just admit it to yourself and go back to your gin-and-tonnies.

Against the muddle, you say? "What a lazy barkeep," you're thinking. Oh, no, I reply. I'm all about a traditional, hearty muddle, same as the next gal. I'm pleased (not really) to muddle your sugar and bitters and fruit so you can suck down the best Old Fashioned you've ever had, before ordering another one. I don't enjoy it, but I can respect it... at least it's a drink that's been around through two World Wars. More importantly, that drink carries the name of "Old Fashioned," and you can't really argue with that, can you!? Next time there's a drinkie-trend, let's give it an old-school, inarguable name. Can we at least agree on that?

Thing is, you learned about Mojitos on your last Royal Carribbean Cruise, and that's not my fault, and I'm not going to make them for you anymore. And you can't make me, even though you can.

Ordering a Mojito in the summer of '06 is like ordering a Cosmo after "Sex And The City" hit reruns on basic cable. Stick with the classics... they're delicious, and you won't get mint leaves and lime pulp stuck on your teeth.