Good Gawd, People Are Getting Cheap.

So, I've been away from the Tavern-wenching for a little while, and it's been more than fun to jump back into the world of mixing tins and sticky floors. I've not really been away from "the business," I've just been exploring another aspect of it. But I missed the front lines, and found a way to work it back in without sacrificing my career path, and I'm just thrilled to be mixing it up once again. Ha ha! I said 'career.' Ha ha ha!!

A few things have changed in the last year, most notably, people have become damned cheap. Gas prices have, like, doubled since the last time I did this kind of work, so it's understandable.

But here's a suggestion that's relevant no matter the time or economic situation: Tipping One Whole Dollar on a $30.00 tab doesn't represent the fact that times are tough out there. It only means you're a cheap-ass who should really consider buying a twelve-pack and spending the night watching American Idol on the Tivo. You can ignore your family in the privacy of your own home, you certainly don't need my help.

I even offered sparkling conversation and talked about Ken Griffey Jr. and avoided politics and everything. That ought to be worth at least another buck, right?

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, how are you, good luck, but you don't mean it
When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once and scream it
Now don't I feel that good
When I see the heartaches you embrace
If I were a master thief perhaps I'd rob them
And though I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand, it's not my problem

- Bob Dylan, "Positively 4th Street"

Technorati Tags: Ken Griffey Junior, Cincinnati, Bartending

Coming soon...

After about a year away from the front lines, I've accepted a summer assignment that will hopefully return me to telling all the stories about bar critters so many of you have enjoyed.

Thanks for sticking with me during my "wenching" absence. Something's up... watch this space.

She Grew Up In An Indiana Town

Well, our long national nightmare has passed, and the Pennsyvania Primary is finally over.

Suddenly, Indiana just became the most important state in the union. The Hoosier State is but a stone's throw from here, and some of my dearest friends are Hoosiers, so I've thus decided that means I can see into the future and predict Hillary Clinton's campaign for the next two weeks there.

"I'm from Muncie. Bob Knight raised me. Breaking Away is my favorite movie... ever! I went on tour with Mellencamp, and I'm Peyton Manning's mom. Last Dance With Mary Jane? Yeah. That was written about me.

I really like sweet corn. I drove the Pace Car at the Indy 500. Chelsea and I sell limestone dolls and ginseng at a flea market in Metamora on the weekends.*"

I'm not sure if it's fascinating, or terrifying, to be living in a tri-state area with two primaries to go. One thing's for certain... two more weeks of shameless pandering and awful media coverage! Yay.

There's pigeons down on Market Square
She's standin' in her underwear
Lookin down from a hotel room
Nightfall will be comin' soon
Oh my my, oh hell yes
You've got to put on that party dress
It was too cold to cry when I woke up alone
I hit my last number, I walked to the road

- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "Mary Jane's Last Dance"

*all props to Jon for the back-and-forth. Feel free to add on in comments!

Coyote Fugly

Mostest Bad-Ass Bartenders EVER

So, this crap movie called "Coyote Ugly" just came on TV, and although I've dogged it many times before, I can't help but take another stab at describing its awfulness.

I'm watching the scene where the Ingeneu/Bartender who should be on American Idol soothes a savage, brawling bar crowd by picking up a microphone and belting (weakly) "One Way Or Another" by Blondie.

Cute scene and all, and girfriend saves the day, but wouldn't most bartenders, and I'm talking real-world here, finding themselves in the middle of a brawl, reach for the bottle of Galliano before grabbing some magical mystical microphone? Or maybe flip the lights for the bouncer? There are actual police officers in this scene, too, knoshing with the bar manager. Like that would happen... law enforcement in a drinking establishment and everyone just keeps on brawlin', weak-ass Blondie covers be damned. Peace be with you, and also with you, or something. I just don't get it.

"Cocktail" was more accurate than this. That's really saying something.

"Coyote Ugly" did get one thing right... yes, bartenders actually have a beer bottle that they spit all those shots you bought them into. Disgusting to be sure, but it's accurate, and the only part of "the business" that movie nailed.

This film is otherwise heinous and awful, it doesn't know shit about bartending, Tyra Banks gets a speaking role(!), and if that's not enough, the whole "Stop dancing and pour me a drink, I'm f'n thirsty" aspect ought to convince any bar-goer that under no circumstances should you devote 90 minutes of your life to this film, unless you're following the skyrocketing career of Piper Perabo closely.

Apropos of nothing, this song has been stuck in my head for days:

I was hell
Sarcastic silver swell
That day it rained
Tough spun
Hard worn
No ocean flower aquarium badlands
Give a hand
Honey dipped
Flim flam
Hey hey, hey hey
That cat can walk like a big bad man
So happy to show us
I ate the lotus
Say haven't you noticed?
I ate the lotus

- REM, "Lotus"

Technorati Tags: Coyote Ugly, Cincinnati, Bartending

Xavier Madness

Well, that was fun!

I'm sure I'll earn the wrath of Bearcat fans by saying that I find it immensly satisfying to see Bob Huggins beaten, in dramatic fashion, by a local team. Not that he out-coached Coach K of Duke; you've got to give that victory to his players.

Thing is... I'm not a Huggins fan. Maybe that's because I was one of his favorite go-to late-night bartenders for so many years.

And that's really all I should say about that before I get myself into a local pot of boiling water.

C'mon, Xavier!

Starbucks Ordered to Pay $100 Million in Back Tips

Deeeeeee-licious!

Oh, noes!!

Starbucks ordered to pay back tips

I owe a really long post about how much pool houses suck, and how much it sucks that salaried employees collect tips like they're a Soprano, but for now, a toast to the Baristas.

Now she's gone
And I'm back on the beat
A stain on my notebook
Says nothing to me
Now she's gone
And I'm out with a friend
With lips full of passion
And coffee in bed

- Squeeze, "Black Coffee In Bed"

Maureen Dowd gives me inappropriate visuals

The inimitable blogger Molly Ivors covers Dowd territory far better than anyone, but please indulge me this turn at the Dowd Piñata:

The Monster Mash

"I was covered..." "I was splattered..." "I felt guilty..." "'It's on my ear,' he complained"... "Mockingly, plucking on his shirt..." "Not only on my face and hands, but all over the candidate's picture..."

All in the first few paragraphs, and she's writing about barbecue sauce.

It's hornier than "The American President" or "West Wing" fan fiction could ever have imagined.

One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya'
I'm gonna give you the slip
A slip of the lip or another, I'm gonna lose ya'
I'm gonna trick ya', I'll trick ya'

- Blondie, "One Way Or Another"

Technorati Tags: Maureen Dowd, Ohio Primary 2008, Molly Ivors