Of Bars, Booze, and Bartending - Proving "Coughlin's Law" Invalid Since Feb '05

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

She Grew Up In An Indiana Town

Image hosting by Photobucket

Well, our long national nightmare has passed, and the Pennsyvania Primary is finally over.

Suddenly, Indiana just became the most important state in the union. The Hoosier State is but a stone's throw from here, and some of my dearest friends are Hoosiers, so I've thus decided that means I can see into the future and predict Hillary Clinton's campaign for the next two weeks there.

"I'm from Muncie. Bob Knight raised me. Breaking Away is my favorite movie... ever! I went on tour with Mellencamp, and I'm Peyton Manning's mom. Last Dance With Mary Jane? Yeah. That was written about me.

I really like sweet corn. I drove the Pace Car at the Indy 500. Chelsea and I sell limestone dolls and ginseng at a flea market in Metamora on the weekends.*"

I'm not sure if it's fascinating, or terrifying, to be living in a tri-state area with two primaries to go. One thing's for certain... two more weeks of shameless pandering and awful media coverage! Yay.

There's pigeons down on Market Square
She's standin' in her underwear
Lookin down from a hotel room
Nightfall will be comin' soon
Oh my my, oh hell yes
You've got to put on that party dress
It was too cold to cry when I woke up alone
I hit my last number, I walked to the road

- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "Mary Jane's Last Dance"

*all props to Jon for the back-and-forth. Feel free to add on in comments!

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Coyote Fugly

Image hosting by Photobucket
Mostest Bad-Ass Bartenders EVER

So, this crap movie called "Coyote Ugly" just came on TV, and although I've dogged it many times before, I can't help but take another stab at describing its awfulness.

I'm watching the scene where the Ingeneu/Bartender who should be on American Idol soothes a savage, brawling bar crowd by picking up a microphone and belting (weakly) "One Way Or Another" by Blondie.

Cute scene and all, and girfriend saves the day, but wouldn't most bartenders, and I'm talking real-world here, finding themselves in the middle of a brawl, reach for the bottle of Galliano before grabbing some magical mystical microphone? Or maybe flip the lights for the bouncer? There are actual police officers in this scene, too, knoshing with the bar manager. Like that would happen... law enforcement in a drinking establishment and everyone just keeps on brawlin', weak-ass Blondie covers be damned. Peace be with you, and also with you, or something. I just don't get it.

"Cocktail" was more accurate than this. That's really saying something.

"Coyote Ugly" did get one thing right... yes, bartenders actually have a beer bottle that they spit all those shots you bought them into. Disgusting to be sure, but it's accurate, and the only part of "the business" that movie nailed.

This film is otherwise heinous and awful, it doesn't know shit about bartending, Tyra Banks gets a speaking role(!), and if that's not enough, the whole "Stop dancing and pour me a drink, I'm f'n thirsty" aspect ought to convince any bar-goer that under no circumstances should you devote 90 minutes of your life to this film, unless you're following the skyrocketing career of Piper Perabo closely.

Apropos of nothing, this song has been stuck in my head for days:

I was hell
Sarcastic silver swell
That day it rained
Tough spun
Hard worn
No ocean flower aquarium badlands
Give a hand
Honey dipped
Flim flam
Hey hey, hey hey
That cat can walk like a big bad man
So happy to show us
I ate the lotus
Say haven't you noticed?
I ate the lotus

- REM, "Lotus"

Technorati Tags: , ,