Coyote Fugly

Mostest Bad-Ass Bartenders EVER

So, this crap movie called "Coyote Ugly" just came on TV, and although I've dogged it many times before, I can't help but take another stab at describing its awfulness.

I'm watching the scene where the Ingeneu/Bartender who should be on American Idol soothes a savage, brawling bar crowd by picking up a microphone and belting (weakly) "One Way Or Another" by Blondie.

Cute scene and all, and girfriend saves the day, but wouldn't most bartenders, and I'm talking real-world here, finding themselves in the middle of a brawl, reach for the bottle of Galliano before grabbing some magical mystical microphone? Or maybe flip the lights for the bouncer? There are actual police officers in this scene, too, knoshing with the bar manager. Like that would happen... law enforcement in a drinking establishment and everyone just keeps on brawlin', weak-ass Blondie covers be damned. Peace be with you, and also with you, or something. I just don't get it.

"Cocktail" was more accurate than this. That's really saying something.

"Coyote Ugly" did get one thing right... yes, bartenders actually have a beer bottle that they spit all those shots you bought them into. Disgusting to be sure, but it's accurate, and the only part of "the business" that movie nailed.

This film is otherwise heinous and awful, it doesn't know shit about bartending, Tyra Banks gets a speaking role(!), and if that's not enough, the whole "Stop dancing and pour me a drink, I'm f'n thirsty" aspect ought to convince any bar-goer that under no circumstances should you devote 90 minutes of your life to this film, unless you're following the skyrocketing career of Piper Perabo closely.

Apropos of nothing, this song has been stuck in my head for days:

I was hell
Sarcastic silver swell
That day it rained
Tough spun
Hard worn
No ocean flower aquarium badlands
Give a hand
Honey dipped
Flim flam
Hey hey, hey hey
That cat can walk like a big bad man
So happy to show us
I ate the lotus
Say haven't you noticed?
I ate the lotus

- REM, "Lotus"

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