Of Bars, Booze, and Bartending - Proving "Coughlin's Law" Invalid Since Feb '05

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


Just off the top of my head...

No, you cannot substitute the $79 Cabernet for the $34 Cabernet you ordered, but which we ran out of, at the $34 price. Yes, you think it's unprofessional to run out of the wine you selected, and yes, we should own a crystal ball, and sure, you think we should be accomodating, and we're going to work with you, but we're not quite as stupid and gullible as you perceive. Nouveau riche jackass. Thanks for going over my head, too... must have been embarrassing when it took Chef to come out and spell "NO" for you, in front of the friends you were trying to impress with your conceit and insolence.

No, Lieutenant Dan, you still have not paid me. We could go around and around, but you still owe me $5.90. I realize you think you put $20 on the bar, but I'm telling you, Dan, you didn't, and you don't recollect because you were wasted out of your damned mind. I should have known better than to serve you at the time, but I can tell you this much... I was sober, you were not, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and you owe me $5.90. But since I have a soft spot in my heart for seemingly lonely guys like you, and since sometimes I feel like your only friend, I'll continue to serve you Budweiser even though you really should settle your tab with me first. Cash up front for each beer, though... you've lost your tab privileges, and I don't want to hear about it. Pay-as-you-go, and I hope you really do move to El Paso, the way you've been threatening to for weeks now.

And, finally, please learn how to properly greet another human being. On a crazy Saturday night, don't introduce yourself to me by frantically shouting, "What's your house Chardonnay?" while I've got my back to you because I'm busy making drinks for the well-mannered customers ahead of you in line. Look, you don't have to kiss my ass to get a drink, but, seriously, try this... c'mon, just try it for once in your pathetic, impatient, unfriendly life... wait until I make eye contact, say "hello," and watch how quickly your service experience improves.

Who raised these people?

In television news, I can't let this pass without mentioning... did anyone get suckered into watching the premier of "Kitchen Confidential" on Fox? It's a new sitcom based, I assumed, on Anthony Bourdain's confessional about "the business."

Thought I'd give it a whirl, because I was hoping for a fun comedy about restaurant life behind the kitchen doors. Ten minutes into this dreck, unworthy of filling an emesis tray, I deleted the season pass from the Tivo. So, don't ask me how it ended.

P.S. For Seitz... Go Angels!

They were all impressed with your Halston dress
And the people that you knew at Elaine's
And the story of your latest success kept 'em so entertained
But now you just can't remember all the things you said
And you're not sure that you wanna know
I'll give you one hint, honey
You sure did put on a show

- Billy Joel, "Big Shot